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Sam Raimi is up there with my favourite directors, I like or love every film he has directed, except for Spiderman 3, and the problems with it, if rumors are to be believed, was more the studio’s fault than Raimi’s. His Evil Dead films (even Army of Darkness) where films I watched often as a teenager. People have been calling this his big return to horror, I enjoyed his last horror film The Gift quite a bit. Though I think people seen The Gift as more of a supernatural thriller. So going in to see Drag Me To Hell I was pretty hyped up on all the internet rumors that this was his first real return to the kind of horror film he practically invented. So after having watched it the one word that springs to mind is Goofy. This is much more Evil Dead 2 than Evil Dead.

After a short prologue we are introduced to Christine, a loans officer desperate to get an assistant manager promotion.The boss off the bank (David Paymer) makes it clear to her that she needs to take a tougher line with customers if she is to gain the promotion over a sleazy coworker, so when an old Slavic gypsy (Lorna Raver,Excellent!) requests an extension on her loan, Christine denies it even though the woman begs her. The woman believes Christine has shamed her, and as security leads her away, she attempts to attack her, leaving her shaken.

While leaving work that evening Christine is attacked in her car by the old woman. This sequence sets the tone for the rest of the film. Raimi builds up to the attack, racking up the tension to boiling point (Brilliantly using a hankerchief!), and then when the actual attack happens it’s played more for laughs than horror. It involves a pair of false teeth, a ruler in the troat, hair being pulled out and copious amounts of saliva, and by the time its over you’ve went from being scared to having a gleeful smile on your face. The Gypsy then disappears after having put a curse on an item belonging to the hapless victim.

Ram Jhas a psychic whom Christine visits tells her that she has been cursed, and for three days she will be tormented by a Demon and then on the fourth day dragged to hell. That’s the plot in a nutshell, and while most films may suffer from a lack of plot, Drag Me To Hell uses it to its advantage.Instead of having sequence after sequence of horror cliches and mumbo jumbo Raimi just gets on with giving us sequence after sequence of Christine being tormented. Alison Lohman, taking the role originally earmarked for Ellen Page, is unbearably cute, she takes a serious beating in this film, much in the same way Bruce (The Chin) Campbell took anything thrown at him in the Evil Dead Movies. She gets maggots vomited on her face, tossed about like a wet lettuce, a fist in her throat, projectile nosebleeding and in a horror first, chokes on embalming fluid. Believe me when I say its easy to feel sorry for her.

To give any more away would be unfair. Part of the enjoyment of the film is seeing what Raimi will pull out next. He is on top form here, employing all the camera tricks in his bag, facial close ups, focus pulls, and at times the camera appears to be on a bungie cord. Other director’s should take note of how Raimi keeps the lights on during intense scenes, when the lights are on and there’s nowhere to hide IMO it’s scarier. Drag me to Hell may not do anything particuarlly new in the genre, but with Raimi at the helm it fells fresh. Even small moments are given an interesting twist, a scene involving a fly springs to mind, and he gives us the best Sceance I can remember seeing on film. There are faults, some of the comedy doesnt work, Christine’s boyfriend (Justin Long) is a total wet blanket, and the end twist is signposted so easily that anyone in the cinema paying attention will see it coming long before the end, though to the filmaker’s credit the twist isnt a cop out.

I have to give special mention to the sound design which is incredible, if anything Drag Me To Hell is a masterpiece in this respect, the sound builds to almost unbearable hieghts at times and whilst in other horror movies it is used as a gimmick, here it has an actual purpose, we all know that when we are scared the slightest noise seems amplified, and to coin a phrase Raimi turns it up to 11. Christopher Young’s music score compliments the sound to great effect. Production design and Effects are top notch.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

A return to form for one of the masters of the genre, and the most entertaining horror film in a long time. Some horror fans will complain that it’s funny when it should be scary, and they may have a point, though one I wouldnt agree with, as the laugh’s are intentional. Fun, Scary and destined to be a cult favourite. 

Four Stars (out of five)

Easter Egg: The car the Gypsy drives is Ash’s car from The Evil Dead Movies. I didnt notice a Bruce Campbell cameo but he could be in there somewhere.

This thought provoking drama was a frontrunner at this years Oscars, and its easy to see why. It has great performances, is well directed and the production values are excellent, so was it worthy to be an Oscar contender? .Well not quite, I think there where better films not nominated, but that’s not to say this isn’t a good movie, it is.

Kate Winslet plays Hannah Schmitz a German tram ticket collector, who one day helps a sick teenage boy called Michael (David Kross) home. This leads to the two having an affair. Michael falls in love with the older experienced woman and Hanna appears lonely and in need of company. During their time together Michael reads books to Hanna, and it is at these moments when Hanna seems happiest, able to escape her boring mundane life. Only the truth of what she is trying to escape is much worse.

Inevitably the relationship breaks down, a few years later whilst attending law school, Edward discovers the truth to Hannah’s mood swings and strange behavior. On a trip to a court session, for the trial of German citizens involved in atrocities during the second world war he discover’s Hannah is one of the accused. During the war she worked at processing station, and was often responsible for choosing who would go to Aushwitz. She faces spending the rest of her life in prison, but Michael holds the key to her release, with information she is to ashamed to admit to the court. The film is intercut with sequences of the elder Michael (Ralph Fiennes) as a man who bears a great wieght on his shoulders, and a lifetime of regret.

This is an interesting story and very well told. The only real issue I have with the film is that it left me cold. I think this is mainly due to the fact that Hanna Schmitz is a hard character to like. We never learn a great deal of what she was like before the war, was she a Nazi sympathiser or simply a victim of circumstance. We are lead to believe she took the job as a guard as a career step, though if she really knew what went on, why didnt she get out of it somehow. It makes it hard to sympathise with her plight and the way in which she releases herself from it. This is no fault of Kate Winslet’s performance, which is excellent (even in dodgy old age make-up). Its much easier to sympathise with Michael, a young boy who fell in love, had his heart broken and has never really been able to have another loving relationship as a result (he has a failed marriage and a teenage daughter he barely see’s).

SUMMING IT ALL UP

A well crafted, interesting drama about a difficult subject, yet one that should be addressed.Its hard to recommend The Reader as entertainment, but if your in the mood for a thought provoking drama it will give you plenty to think about.

The trailer for Mega Shark, VS Giant Octopus was released about a week ago and led fanboys and geeks to believe this could be one of those rare movies that was so bad it could be good. I was one of them. I thought at the very least I would be entertained by its “intentional” badness. It saddens me to report that it isnt one of those movies, Its just downright Fucking Awful from start to finish.

Film opens with what are clearly some rather inexpensive stock shots of snowy mountains intercut with some rather inexpensive stock shots of the sea.This is where we meet our heroine, who’s name I can’t remember, but is played by Debbie Gibson(or is known here as Deborah Gibson). I vaguely remember here from the 80’s and she’s holding up well in the looks department.Theres a continuity error here as Debbies hands seem to be played by someone other than herself.Everytime we see a shot of her hitting controls buttons the hands have black nail polish on them yet Debbie quite clearly has no nail polish on in the other shots. Debbies hands are quite small, so maybe they wern’t cinematic enough for the technical know how they where trying to convey in these shots.

Debbie and her mate are watching whales in their bad CGI sub when shit starts to hit the fan.A helicopter above them has dropped some sort of sonic wave thingy. Note that we never actually see said helicopter flying over the water, it was probably footage shot at a local airfield on open day.The sonic wave thingy makes the whales swim into an ice shelf and release Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus!!!!! and the helicopter (now a bad CGI helicopter) for some reason left unexplained crashes into the ice shelf to, maybe it was a suicide mission, fuck knows.

There’s a giant octopus attack around this time on an oil platform in China, only its obviously not an oil platform in the close ups, but an oil refinery, same location I could swear is used for other locations only shot from a different angle and time of day.

Back on dry land and whales and other marine life are turning up Tatey Bread on beaches.(Lookout for a cameo from the Men in Black in this scene).Debbie steals evidence from one of these sites and runs tests on it to determine it is in fact a tooth. I would have thought the fact it was imbedded in another animal and looks like a fucking giant tooth would have been evidence enough, but no we get a miniscule budget CSI style musical montage of her and her old professor doing tests on it. Her professor is Irish, so guess what he’s called? Finbar? Donal? Padraig? Nope none of the above he’s called Lemar.Now seriously who the fuck ever heard of an Irishman called Lemar. To the actor playing him’s credit he actual does appear to be Irish, maybe they spent the budget getting a real Irishman cause fuck knows they didnt spend it anywhere else. He also appears to be drunk all the time as well.

Mega Shark attacks a passenger jet around this time, it appears he has the ability to jump 40,000 feet out of the water. I would have thought the impact on landing would kill him but this point is never addressed.

Our team of scientists have now discovered the shark is a prehistoric Megaladon (A quick Google reveals this shark actually existed). I dont think the Giant Octopus is ever explained, if it is, I must have missed it, this is one of those movies you don’t pause when you go for a piss.

A Chinese scientist joins the team to help figure out a way to beat the two giant animals.Though his main purpose is to spout inane dialogue about how its all retribution for global warming.This dude and Debbie get jiggy with it in a storeroom and this leads to them believing the key to beating Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus is pheromones, cause according to the Chinese dude “smell is the most powerful form of attraction”. By this theory he must smell like a million dollars cause he’s no looker. So the theory is to use pheromones to attract them to a certain spot in the ocean where they will then fight each other.

Cue Lorenzo Lamas of Renegade and Falcon Crest “fame” as the General leading the operation. He looks more like a member of the mob than a general. He acts over the top in I guess an attempt to be funny, but its just painful and embarrasing to watch. This guy is a total non actor. If he had a blowtorch held to his testicles he would still have trouble acting terrified. They put the plan in motion but it all goes tits up and in the films “Money Shot” the Mega Shark takes a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Look out for the US navy ship set. Its used twice as two different US ships and once as a Chinese submarine, although they at least light it differently when its meant to be the Chinese Sub.So anyway it all culminates out at sea and after 75 minutes of celluloid diarrehea we finally get the Main Event……Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus. Was it worth the wait????……Fuck no.

When they finally fight it looks more like some kind of bizarre mating ritual.They bump into each other a bit and then it appears that the Giant Octopus is humping Mega Shark. Maybe high on all those Pheromones he is trying to fuck him to death with a Giant Octopus Penis. Anyway they both die and everyone cheers in one of the most fake “we saved the world” cheering scenes ever.

The Director, Ace Hannah is actually called Jack Perez and probably would like people to think he changed it so as it sounded more B-Movie esque.The truth is more likely, that he was probably mortified by what he had created and wanted to distance himself from it ALA Alan Smithee.Special mention should go to the Special Effects……they are complete and utter garbage, Ed Wood would have laughed at these effects, and the company responsible for them is called Tiny Juggernaut. According to their Website they are an award winning group of Artists…I think somebody will be looking their awards back.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

Some people will no doubt argue i have missed the point, that its meant to be stupid.Thats fine if the final film is in anyway entertaining, and by fuck this aint. The trailer promised so little, yet so much, its sad to have to say that Mega Shark, VS Giant Octopus is a DTV stinker and not even so bad its good.Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed and struck off the Screen Actors/Directors guild. Only watch if your a Cinematic Sado Masochist.

I was always a Star Wars Geek, I’ve never been a huge Star Trek fan, that is until a few hours ago when I witnessed one of the best science fiction films in a long, long time. Dont get me wrong,I enjoyed occasionally watching the television series. Im old enough to remember watching repeated episodes of The Original Series and was fond of The Next Generation. DS9, Voyager and Enterprise never held any interest for me. Nearly all the previous big screen installments left me underwhelmed except for The Wrath of Khan (which i watched recently and holds up pretty well) and First Contact which featured my favourite villans, The Borg.

THE "NEW" CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE

Bringing Star Trek back to the Big Screen and making it cool for Trekkies and your average cinemagoer wasnt going to be easy. The franchise was pretty much dead after the last movie Nemesis, and the cancellation of Enterprise. In charge of the reboot is JJ Abrams, a veteran of tv series Felicity and Alias, whose biggest success had been long running programme Lost (of which im a huge fan). He only had one feature film as director under his belt, Mission Impossible 3 which in my humble opinion is underrated, and served as producer on last years Cloverfield which I loved. So you could say I’m a fan, but even I didnt think he could make me love Star Trek. It’s good to be proved wrong sometimes and on this occasion I’m more than happy to have been so very ,very wrong.

The story centres around the young members of the Enterprise, There time at Starfleet Academy and there first calling into action against a Romulan hellbent on destroying any planet involved with the Federation. There’s much more to the plot but I really dont want to give much away, I will say it involves time travel and no doubt the internet will be rife with geeks trying to find fault with the timelines, but I bought into it easily and just went with it.

We get thrown staight into action from the beginning in a pre credits sequence in which a Federation ship, The Kelvin, is attacked by a huge Romulan ship which appears from a black hole, We learn the fate of Kirk’s father and are introduced to the films villan Nero(Eric Bana). Its a fantastic opening sequence which sets the tone for the rest of the movie, this isn’t a slow burner it’s a rollercoaster ride.

Fast forward a few years and we are introduced to a young Spock on Vulcan and learn of the prejudices he faces for being half human/half vulcan. Nice to see Winona Ryder back on the big screen in a small role as Spock’s human mother. Back on earth in Iowa a young James T Kirk has become a juvenile delinquent in trouble with the law. Fast forward again a few years and Spock (Zachary Quinto) is turning down a place in the Vulcan Science Academy to join Starfleet, and Kirk (Chris Pine) is getting a life lesson from Captain Pike (Bruce Greenwood) about following in his fathers footsteps.

ERIC BANA AS NERO

At Starfleet Academy we meet, Uhura(Zoe Saldana) and Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy (Karl Urban). At a hearing over Kirks ‘beating’ of the Kobayashi Maru the young recruits are called into action after a distress call is recieved from Vulcan and join Captain Pike on the newly built Enterprise. Here we are introduced to other long time Star Trek characters Sulu (John Cho) and Chekov (Anton Yelchin).

The film works increbibly well on a number of levels. It reintroduces us to characters who are as familiar as the actors who played them. Zachary Quinto is Spock, albiet a different less logical Spock not in control of his human emotions, and in a role thats much more than a cameo Leonard Nimoy plays the older, wiser Spock we are more familiar with.

Chris Pine whom I cant remember seeing in anything before is great as Kirk.He takes longer to recognise as Kirk than say Quinto as Spock, but this is more due to the fact he doesnt look at all like William Shatner or even try to imitate him, which is to Pines credit, yet he instills him with the same bravado and attitude towards authority. Saldana as Uhuru gets less to do but looks great in a mini skirt. Yelchin as Chekov captures the same wild eyed enthusiasm as Walter Koenig and gets some of the films funniest moments, and Cho as Sulu gets his moment to shine as well. Simon Peggs as Scottie is introduced quite late on,  but gets some good laughs despite his Scottish accent being all over the place, maybe in homage to James Doohans Scottie, but probably not.

ZACHARY QUINTO AND CHRIS PINE

Special mention has to go to Eric Bana and Karl Urban.Bana plays a character who has gone over the edge. His grief and sorrow at the lose he has suffered is turned into an irreversible hunger for revenge. I dont think I will be alone in feeling sorry for his character who at one time was basically a normal working class guy who tried to save his people. Bana plays him to perfection, it’s not a showy role and Bana never plays the character over the top. Karl Urban is Leonard Bones McCoy, as soon as we see him on screen it’s like he has been possessed by DeForest Kelly, it’s almost uncanny. He gets the films funniest lines and his surrogate father act with Kirk is touching.

Everything in the film just works from it’s character interaction to its spectacular action sequences. There is barely a bum not to be found, and if you find any it’s because your looking to hard. Visual Effects are top drawer and consistent.The music score by Michael Giacchino (Lost/Speed Racer) is a corker. The set design is familiar yet spanking new. Sound Effects are suitably loud and invoke memories of the sound effects from Star Trek of old.

This is one of those rare films where everybody involved was at the top of their game, none more so than JJ Abrams, whose direction,of all the elements it took to create the film,is assured and inventive. A sequel to the new yet familiar world he has shaped can’t get here quick enough.      

ALL YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW 

Star Trek is Cool Again. Remember the first time you seen the T-Rex in Jurassic Park or Neo dodge bullets in the Matrix? its that cool. And i feel in love with it and its characters over the course of it’s running time. 5 Stars+A Geek Boner

THE NEW TREK MAY BE COOL,BUT NOT AS COOL AS THIS PICTURE

As a huge fan of Stop Motion animation I was looking forward to the latest film from Director Henry Selick (Nightmare before Christmas, James and the Giant Peach. Coraline is a visually rich piece of animation made even better with the use of unobtrusive 3D.Its a shame then that the story, based on Neil Gaiman`s book,can`t match the visuals on display.

Coraline Jones (Dakota Fanning) is a little girl who has moved to a new home with her parents, who show little interest in what she does as they are both writers. Whilst exploring her new home she comes across a door hidden behind wallpaper which when opened leads to another world much like the one she lives in, only there her parents are better versions of her real world parents. They spend time with her, play games, cook and tuck her into bed at night. The only thing is they have sinister buttons for eyes and if Coraline wishes to stay in this world she to will have to have a pair of button eyes.

I should make it clear that I have never read a single X-Men comic.My knowledge of X-Men is I am sad to say solely based on the cinematic outings of the legendary comic book creations.

This picture is cooler than anything in the movie

I guess it was inevitable after the box office success of the mediocre X-Men The Last Stand that 20th Century Fox would want to keep milking the cash cow that is X-Men. The first X-Men film was a good introduction to the best known characters in the series and the sequel X2 built on that introduction and gave us one of the finest comic book adaptions to date.All thanks in no small part to director Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects,Valkyrie),but then he left the series and in a rush to get the second sequel into theatres they hired Brett Ratner(Rush Hour, Red Dragon) and the result was a film that lost a lot of the care and attention to characters the previous two installments had and replaced it with loud and sometimes impressive action sequences.

And so now we have X-Men Origins Wolverine a film we where lead to believe would  harken back to the more character based storylines of the first two films.The film begins with a pre-credits sequence in which a young Wolverine (called Jimmy) is ill.His friend Victor says he is ill alot(Mutant Puberty?).Theres a knock at the door, a commotion, a gun goes off and young Wolvie seeing the man he believes to be his father die in front of him grows some funky bone claws and impales the shooter only to learn too late a horrible truth.This sequence makes no sense on a number of levels.The worst of which is why is young wolvie living with this family.I thought this may be explained later in the movie but it aint.Then, there are the actors who portray the fathers, they bear a striking resemblance to their grown up sons yet we are led to believe only one of them is their father.

So five minutes in and I am confused already. We then get possibly the films strongest sequence in which we witness Wolvie and Victor Creed (Sabretooth) battle their way through The American Civil War, World War 1,2 and The Vietnam War. It’s a great sequence that plays over the title credits and give us a quick insight into Wolvies growing dislike for the animals that he and especially his brother? have become. It plays like the opening credits of Watchman though is not quite as memorable.  

Deadpool,Gambit,Wolvie,Sabretooth and some Bird

After they survive a firing squad they are invited to join an elite group of mutants led by William Stryker (played in X2 by Brian Cox and here by Danny Huston). I would love to go through the other mutants on this elite group, but as the screenwriters failed to make any of them memorable i cant even remember half of their names. All I can say is that one would be handy in a blackout (Dominic Monaghan), one can do that Gun Kata thing Christan Bale did in Equilibrium, one looks like Juggernaut from The Last stand, one is i can only assume a Blinged up Teleporting Cowboy and finally there’s Ryan Reynolds playing Wade Wilson AKA Deadpool.There could have been more but if there was I cant remember. Reynold’s and Monaghans characters are the only two of this group that get anything decent to do.

In the films only good action sequence, the elite squad have to penetrate a diamond lords building. Deadpool manages to use his swords like a Jedi Knight wielding a lightsaber to pretty much kill everyone in the room (although they may not be dead as this film is devoid of any blood). Here they find a meteor fragment that Stryker has been looking for, as the rock contains raw Adamantium. Why Stryker couldnt have just offered the diamond dealer some money for it (they like money), instead of mounting a military operation and killing loads of people in the process is like many things never explained.

To cut a long story short they go to a village to find the source of the meteor, shit hits the fan and Wolvie says “Im Out”.Fast forward a few years and he is shacked up with some bird in the Canadian Rockies having nightmares and going through bedsheets like an incontinent old man. So he’s in love and living a normal life as a lumberjack. Here’s the problem - we are asked at a point not long after we are introduced to his love interest to feel empathy and sadness when something bad happens to her, when we have no backstory whatsoever into their relationship. How did they met, feel in love etc. This makes Wolverines fury and revenge all the harder to empathise with as we, the audience, have been given no time to get to know his lady, I think her name is Kara, thats about all I remember. SPOILER ALERT - she reappears later in the movie for a typically cliched reason, yet I had no sympathy for her plight as I was given no time to care about her in the first place.

This may look exciting......It Ain't

So Stryker reappears around this point and explains to Wolvie that someone is killing of members of the elite team. Turns out Victor is the badass perpatrator  killing other mutants and then turns his attention to Wolvie’s lady love. So Wolvie gets mad, howls at the moon and signs himself up for some revenge. Cue a sequence we have seen before although done better (in X2) in which Wolvie gets injected with Adamantium which Stryker tells him will make him indestructable. Heres the thing, after making him indestructable Stryker decides to erase his memory. Why he didn’t see fit to do this before making him indestructable is anyones guess. So Wolvie hears this using his super underwater hearing and decides instead of getting dressed he better just leg it out of there naked, cue Jackmans ass which impressivly appears to be his own, unless they spent the special effects budget on it, which is possible as they obviously didnt spend it on any of the other effects in the movie.  

And so Wolvie is off and running and to be honest I had given up any hope by this stage of the film in some way redemming itself (it doesnt). I lost interest in pretty much anything happening onscreen. Wolvie runs into a few old friends and Gambit a poker playing redneck whose power is never really explained. He bumps into Victor and even though they are indestructable they fight each other anyway. Wouldnt it make more sense for them to sit down and have a civilised conversation.

It all culminates on Five Mile Island when the spoiler alert above is revealed and there is a three way face off between Wolvie,Victor and Weapon XI who is actually Deadpool only he looks a bit like Neo when he was connected to the Matrix and that bit in the Matrix where Neo`s mouth seals shut only the make up is inferior. Somehow Weapon XI can also produce Adamantium swords from his arms but can also fight like Jet Li on speed when they are retracted. Oh yeah, and he has the powers of other mutants. Anyway Stryker shots Wolvie with an Adamantium bullet because apparently this convieniently makes him lose his memory though its again never explained why and we are back to basically the beginning of the first X-Men film where Wolvie has no memory. Its a shame that the filmakers didnt give us a movie based on the opening credits as it would have been much more interesting to have a film that focused on just the two most interesting characters in the film. It would have been much more interesting to see what made Victor become the sadistic animal he is and what made Wolvie come to detest the life they led. Instead we get a film that stretches out sequences that worked better as glimpses in the previous installments. Wolverine was a much more interesting character when he had some mystery about him.  

The film isnt all bad the highpoint being Liev Schrieber`s performance as Victor Creed/Sabretooth. He comes across as suitably menacing and sadistic. Director Gavin Hood (Tsotsi/Rendition) gives the film a darker tone than the previous installments, unfortunatly the film often looks ugly even though I wathced it digitally projected. Visual effects are very poor and often seem unfinished. The music score fails to register either. For a reported $140 million movie it does not look to impress at all.

Honestly,This would have been more believable than the effects in the movie.

Closing Comments  Mediocre in the extreme, and worst of all . . . . boring!  1 and a Half Stars