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The trailer for Mega Shark, VS Giant Octopus was released about a week ago and led fanboys and geeks to believe this could be one of those rare movies that was so bad it could be good. I was one of them. I thought at the very least I would be entertained by its “intentional” badness. It saddens me to report that it isnt one of those movies, Its just downright Fucking Awful from start to finish.

Film opens with what are clearly some rather inexpensive stock shots of snowy mountains intercut with some rather inexpensive stock shots of the sea.This is where we meet our heroine, who’s name I can’t remember, but is played by Debbie Gibson(or is known here as Deborah Gibson). I vaguely remember here from the 80’s and she’s holding up well in the looks department.Theres a continuity error here as Debbies hands seem to be played by someone other than herself.Everytime we see a shot of her hitting controls buttons the hands have black nail polish on them yet Debbie quite clearly has no nail polish on in the other shots. Debbies hands are quite small, so maybe they wern’t cinematic enough for the technical know how they where trying to convey in these shots.

Debbie and her mate are watching whales in their bad CGI sub when shit starts to hit the fan.A helicopter above them has dropped some sort of sonic wave thingy. Note that we never actually see said helicopter flying over the water, it was probably footage shot at a local airfield on open day.The sonic wave thingy makes the whales swim into an ice shelf and release Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus!!!!! and the helicopter (now a bad CGI helicopter) for some reason left unexplained crashes into the ice shelf to, maybe it was a suicide mission, fuck knows.

There’s a giant octopus attack around this time on an oil platform in China, only its obviously not an oil platform in the close ups, but an oil refinery, same location I could swear is used for other locations only shot from a different angle and time of day.

Back on dry land and whales and other marine life are turning up Tatey Bread on beaches.(Lookout for a cameo from the Men in Black in this scene).Debbie steals evidence from one of these sites and runs tests on it to determine it is in fact a tooth. I would have thought the fact it was imbedded in another animal and looks like a fucking giant tooth would have been evidence enough, but no we get a miniscule budget CSI style musical montage of her and her old professor doing tests on it. Her professor is Irish, so guess what he’s called? Finbar? Donal? Padraig? Nope none of the above he’s called Lemar.Now seriously who the fuck ever heard of an Irishman called Lemar. To the actor playing him’s credit he actual does appear to be Irish, maybe they spent the budget getting a real Irishman cause fuck knows they didnt spend it anywhere else. He also appears to be drunk all the time as well.

Mega Shark attacks a passenger jet around this time, it appears he has the ability to jump 40,000 feet out of the water. I would have thought the impact on landing would kill him but this point is never addressed.

Our team of scientists have now discovered the shark is a prehistoric Megaladon (A quick Google reveals this shark actually existed). I dont think the Giant Octopus is ever explained, if it is, I must have missed it, this is one of those movies you don’t pause when you go for a piss.

A Chinese scientist joins the team to help figure out a way to beat the two giant animals.Though his main purpose is to spout inane dialogue about how its all retribution for global warming.This dude and Debbie get jiggy with it in a storeroom and this leads to them believing the key to beating Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus is pheromones, cause according to the Chinese dude “smell is the most powerful form of attraction”. By this theory he must smell like a million dollars cause he’s no looker. So the theory is to use pheromones to attract them to a certain spot in the ocean where they will then fight each other.

Cue Lorenzo Lamas of Renegade and Falcon Crest “fame” as the General leading the operation. He looks more like a member of the mob than a general. He acts over the top in I guess an attempt to be funny, but its just painful and embarrasing to watch. This guy is a total non actor. If he had a blowtorch held to his testicles he would still have trouble acting terrified. They put the plan in motion but it all goes tits up and in the films “Money Shot” the Mega Shark takes a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Look out for the US navy ship set. Its used twice as two different US ships and once as a Chinese submarine, although they at least light it differently when its meant to be the Chinese Sub.So anyway it all culminates out at sea and after 75 minutes of celluloid diarrehea we finally get the Main Event……Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus. Was it worth the wait????……Fuck no.

When they finally fight it looks more like some kind of bizarre mating ritual.They bump into each other a bit and then it appears that the Giant Octopus is humping Mega Shark. Maybe high on all those Pheromones he is trying to fuck him to death with a Giant Octopus Penis. Anyway they both die and everyone cheers in one of the most fake “we saved the world” cheering scenes ever.

The Director, Ace Hannah is actually called Jack Perez and probably would like people to think he changed it so as it sounded more B-Movie esque.The truth is more likely, that he was probably mortified by what he had created and wanted to distance himself from it ALA Alan Smithee.Special mention should go to the Special Effects……they are complete and utter garbage, Ed Wood would have laughed at these effects, and the company responsible for them is called Tiny Juggernaut. According to their Website they are an award winning group of Artists…I think somebody will be looking their awards back.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

Some people will no doubt argue i have missed the point, that its meant to be stupid.Thats fine if the final film is in anyway entertaining, and by fuck this aint. The trailer promised so little, yet so much, its sad to have to say that Mega Shark, VS Giant Octopus is a DTV stinker and not even so bad its good.Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed and struck off the Screen Actors/Directors guild. Only watch if your a Cinematic Sado Masochist.